Q: Something’s going on can I smell your dick? A: No. I’m upset that you would even have to ask me that.

It was a weird weekend at the Laurence/B Team casa. For some reason the whole place smelled like ‘dro, and I wanted to mask the odor because it reminded me of all the terrifyingly awkward high school parties I went to and sadness. In order to conceal the smell, I lit a mini scented candle that I procured form Target in case all of our lights went out during Hurricane Irene ’11. It was from the Fall Leaves scent-line, which I thought would be a good choice because it smelled good when wrapped in plastic (that’s what she said).

Anyway, Hurricane Irene came and went and I didn’t get to use any of the candles. But now that someone in my 2-bedroom apartment who isn’t me smokes ‘dro all the time, I decided it was time to bust out the candles. So I lit one today. And it didn’t smell like fall leaves AT ALL. It smelled like middle-aged man drenched in Old Spice. Which was oddly comforting and incredibly alarming all at once.

More importantly, it started B Team and I a-talking about male smells, and she started educating me on the finer points of penile scents. Which was awful. BUT THEN she showed me this video

Here are the lyrics:

(Before you get too excited, let me set the scene for you since this video is totes NSFW and you may not want to watch it with the volume on. There appear to be three people involved: 1) the protagonist – a hood-rat lady with hips that won’t quit who is understandably upset because she suspects that her man is being unfaithful – let’s call her 2U-HRL (understandably upset hood-rat lady) 2)Then there is her friend who sings the chorus and is also alarmingly curious about the scent of 2U-HRL’s man’s dick – let’s call her the ugly one with no man – TUOWNM, and 3) Finally we have the antagonist, Da Man – who is appalled that anyone needs to pull down his drawers to investigate his fidelity – because he’s just at da club 2 take pictures. My comments and questions and concerns are all in CLOVER)

(Opening: 2U-HRL)

Nigga this the fifth teeth (5^th-teenth??) muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing
What the fuck is you doin who tha fuck you out there with you think I’m stupid my girls dun already put me up on yo ass tonight night nigga when you get home I got som news foe yo bitch ass (ruh roh)

(Chorus: TUOWNM)

Why you coming home five in the mone (mone….mone…mone is not a real thing, I don’t think)
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick? (PLEASE!?!?!?!)
Don’t play me like a fool cause dat ain’t cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Hook 1: 2U-HRL)
It’s four o’clock and I’m sleepin’ and it’s late night and you creeping you could’ve told me I’m leavin’ now I know you out there cheatin’ why you got to do me like dat when I call you don’t call me back I’m texting you now nigga where you at that’s fucked up why you do me like dat

(Verse 1)
I’m dead sleep and you trickin’
In the club wit dirty foot bitches
My gurl was there she witness
She had a camera phone she took pictures
You was on the dance flo grindin’
With a stripper hoe named Diamond
You was flossin’ hard you was shinning
Everything she drink you buyin’ it
Fuck nigga you need to stop lien’ foe I get mad and pull out my nine
You want a new bitch to fuck that’s fine but don’t fuck hers and try to fuck mine
You keep tellin me you ain’t touch her but some keep tellin me you dun fucked her and I ain’t that bitch you want to play wit nigga drop them boxers let me smell yo dick

(Chorus: TUOWNM)

Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don’t play me like a fool cause dat ain’t cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Da Man)

Smell my dick wait a minute hold up see that’s how a bitch get her eyes swoll up (so she gets a black eye by smelling your dick – either because your dick is so large and unwieldy it just walloped her above the cheek when she was trying to be nice and give you fellatio – or because you just beat the shit out of her. Either way. 2 legit 2 quit) and I don’t give a damn what yo homegurls seen when I was in the club what the fuck you mean they ain’t got no business eyein’ me like dat
You ain’t got no business tryin’ me like dat
I wun even feelin’ Diamond like dat I was wildin’ but I wasn’t clowin’ like dat
Dat’s alright dat’s okay gon head believe what yo homegurl say a nigga like me drink a lot of liquor meet a lot of bitchs take a lot of pictures
I might break bread wit one or two strippers but that don’t mean you got to pull my zipper
Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around

(Chorus: TUOWNM)

Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don’t play me like a fool cause dat ain’t cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick.

So this is obviously all hilarious and awesome, but it was made even better by the fact that someone synched it with a Justin Bieber/Usher video. Sad. Wrong. Amazing.