‘Tis the day before Turkey Day and I’ve procured all the things I need from Trader Joe’s – which is the WORST place to shop over the holidays; those hippies become disproportionately hostile and all their bottled-up aggression against ‘the Man’ comes out once the gourmet cheese is all sold out.
Anyway, it got me thinking about the real meaning of Turkey Day, and how I would best explain it to any non-Americans I associate with, because as much as evidence seems to point to the contrary, I do not truly believe that the day is about gourmet cheeses and mini pumpkins. I think it’s about something bigger. Something deeper.
I’m tempted to say it’s family. I’m tempted to say it’s friends. I’m even a little tempted to say it’s about compassion. But after a lot of reflection I’ve decided it is none of these things.
The true meaning of Turkey Day is absolutely the importance of corn products.
To demonstrate my point, I asked Nanook to ask me any and all questions about Thanksgiving and I would give her accurate, corn-centric answers.
1. Nanook: Were pilgrim’s turkeys as big as today’s turkeys?
2. Nanook: Why is the holiday this time of year? Is there a historical basis?
3. Nanook: Do turkeys have sister wives?
Nanook’s commentary: “So I’m not quite sure that Laurence has realized that Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in much the same way as the USA (high fructose corn syrup and all). So I sort of ran out of questions about American Thanksgiving. And we were watching Sister Wives. I am unclear why the polygamous turkey has sunglasses though. The husband in Sister Wives doesn’t have sunglasses.”
My further commentary: “Because he’s a playa’, and playa’s wear sunglasses to scope the ladies without notice.”
4. Nanook: Why the fuck do people like cranberry sauce?
5. Nanook: Will I get laid on Thanksgiving?
Nanook says: “To be fair, I sort of assumed Laurence would edit out the non-PG questions. In retrospect, I have no idea why I would think that. So to Laurence’s mom: I’m really sorry about this. Let us never speak of this again.”
I say: My mom’s psychic or something, she already knew you would say that.
Happy Turkey Day!!
(sorry mom… also, stop reading my blog?)
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