We have ways of making you pronounce the letter ‘O’

Nanook the Canadian of Manitoba is Canadian.

She and I have discussed this, and I have discussed this with my vast blog readership.

She’s Canadian, which is okay.

Except it’s no-kay because she is a GIANT threat to the US, and is getting kicked out and shipped back to Canada.

Finally.

(I made a joke about how this was like getting expelled and being sent back to the remedial class in elementary school –  which was hilarious until I took the joke a step further and said getting sent to Mexico would then be akin to going to the gifted program, and then the joke just stopped making sense.)

I think sending her away is the correct choice because I am a fan of impractical government bureaucracy and red tape. USA USA USA!!

More importantly, I fully recognize that she is a menace 2 society and a burden to our way of life. I have the following reasons to support my claim:

1)      She’s an impulse shopper – I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, ‘Laurence, this is good! It will boost the economy to have more people buying useless crap like moon-rocks, novelty scarves and Pug-shaped Chia pets from our local businesses! We need people like her!’

But to this I shake my head in shame and I say, ‘B. Effing. S. Not only do I want my products American-made, I only want them to be purchased, enjoyed, and mocked by Americans. Best country on Earth, brother, and we should be entirely self-reliant so as not to taint our greatness. USA USA USA!!’

2)      She’s very smart – She was a PhD student at an elite research institution. Sounds like that should be a good thing, right? No, not at all, because that particular institution has a long history with nuclear technology. Odds are good that she was in the process of stealing our nuclear secrets and giving them to the Canadian government so they could wage war upon us. Thank god they caught her in time. Don’t be fooled, the real terrorist threat is in our hockey rinks and classic SNL skits. Don’t drink the maple syrup, just sayin’.

3)      She’s not actually Canadian. Deep-down she is Italian – Look, anything that my imagination can turn into ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey, Quebec-style’ is terribly depressing to me. Italians being dramatic, speaking in French, and making hand gestures a-la Celine Dion is pretty much my worst nightmare. Because that’s terrifying.

So send her back. Lead her away in shackles, please. I don’t want her ilk associating with my real American brothers and sisters, who make my life better each and every day.

USA USA USA!!

also, just kidding. wtf.