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all the feelings

for those of you who don’t know, i’m a lesbian who fell in love with a canadian woman. i married said canadian woman last year, and this coming sunday i will be moving up to canada to live with her. so, as you can imagine, the supreme court’s decision this morning to strike down the key provisions of DOMA that prevented me from sponsoring her to move here is incredibly timely. i’m inexplicably happy to know that brittany and i will be able to file our application to move back to the United States soon -and will have the option of deciding if this will be more of a Canadian holiday rather than a permanent move- but holy hell does this make me feel all the feelings.

i never thought i would get married. i never really wanted to, either. as you can tell if you’ve ever met me or or heard my father say that rearing me was a traumatizing experience, i’m a little difficult, and finding someone to deal with me on a permanent basis seemed…unlikely. i’m being only a little facetious here, but the point is that the beautiful relationship i have with brittany made me painfully aware of the discrimination i faced.

discrimination. it still feels so odd to say that. i was raised with a considerable amount of privilege, i never experienced any negative reactions to my sexuality – from friends, family, or coworkers, and for the majority of my life i didn’t “look” gay (and according my mother i still don’t…). all of these things made it profoundly difficult to accept and internalize the fact that my rights were not equal to my peers, and until i married brittany, i kept that outrage at as an abstract and theoretical a distance as i possibly could. the immigration process, naturally, brought what i was trying to keep at bay to the fore, and what i was attempting to keep dispassionate and bureaucratic became profoundly personal and unfathomably emotional. it also provided an interesting look into human nature and my own biases, particularly ones i do and don’t want institutionalized.

in some ways i’m not sure i should feel grateful for the supreme court’s decision to begin to see my civil rights be more fully recognized. how do you say ‘thank you’ to something you are fundamentally entitled to? especially when you personally suffer from having a bit too much hubris and are positive you are everyone’s equal in every respect (joking. but only slightly). yet in other ways, i’m in awe of how much has changed for the LGBT community in fifty years, and it’s hard to feel anything but appreciation for recent developments. but then i think beyond my own immediate situation for a minute, and i remember any of the many asinine or flippant remarks and assumptions i make about any number of things, and i’m reminded that entrenched and institutionalized discrimination has a cyclical relationship with personal prejudices, and i should probably start working to more fully understand my own. on it.

but ok, enough with the serious shit for now, who wants to get bombed tonight??? (also, come over and help katie and i kill all the flying ants that have taken up residence in our apartment?? UPDATE: termites. the flying ants are termites. great. glad i’m moving.)

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About laurenceofarizona

i've always been more than a little suspicious about australia. what the hell are they doing down there with no one there to supervise them?? it makes me kind of uncomfortable, actually. i imagine its all didgeridoos and loose women and anarchy but the rest of the world will never be able to properly peer pressure them into civility because they've got some sort of massive hoax industrial complex to fool us into leaving them alone with their didgeridoos. and they will get away with it because they are so flippin' far away! whatever. jokes on them when whatever tectonic plate australia sits on brings it closer to the rest of us.

Discussion

One thought on “all the feelings

  1. I CHEERED! And considering that I’m a 57-year-old overweight, striving to be middleclass, straight woman, the visual should be just enough for you. Safe travels and may you both remain supremely content irrespective of which country you choose to make your home in. The best part is you now have a legitimized and formalized choice! Love, R

    Posted by Robin Hunt | June 27, 2013, 11:03 am

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