- I apologize if any of the following is insensitive.
- To clarify, I apologize if any of the following is both insensitive and not funny.
For me, sick days are a lot like a brief episode with PTSD. I can say this without fear of reprisal because I’ve actually had PTSD as a result of a serious car accident as a teenager AND my immune system is surprisingly weak for someone with as much vigor for life and fondness for green vegetables as I’ve got, so this association is well tested and basically bulletproof.
I explain. The following are internet-approved symptoms for PTSD and fit my current predicament of feverishness and exhaustion precisely.
1. Feeling emotionally numb
2. Being easily startled
3. Feeling tense or “on edge”
4. Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
To try and compensate for the fact that I know I’m being insensitive about a very real thing that people suffer from, I attempted to cover my bases by doing a symptoms fact-check on the internets and found that I am in fact suffering not from a mild fever and/or PTSD like I thought, but from any combination of the following:
- Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (I do hate heights…which I found out about way too late on the top of a very tall ferris wheel, hovering slowly above the icy waters of Lake Michigan)
- Heart arrhythmias (ohmyjesus, when I was a little kid with insomnia who watched too much Unsolved Mysteries I would lie awake at night and worry about 1) exactly what part of my body was going to spontaneously combust first, and 2) why my heartbeat was irregular. So yes, maybe this one)
- Panic attacks and panic disorder (Obviously. Next)
- Carbon monoxide poisoning (I’ve been trying to avoid suspecting this, but I do live in an apartment that is very clearly trying to kill me, so why not)
- Ear infection (I had 5 pairs of ear tubes as a child because I had so many ear infections. I remember one time wee Laurence was taking a bath and one fell out into the water and I was convinced I was watching my ear drum floating away from me. I yelled bloody murder. It took me a while to understand that because I could hear my yelling out of both ears, I had miraculously overcome deafness.)
- Migraine (No. my mom get’s those. I’m not my mom just yet)
- Stroke (No. too much dexterity to make these awesome drawing for it to be a stroke)
- Transient ischemic attack (…Maybe. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow)